Moving!

Things are a little crazy right now. I'm temporarily staying at my mom's house and scouting apartments just in case this trial living situation ends up more permanent. I can't even afford anything until next month at the very least and it'll be hard finding a place that accepts an adorable but naughty puppy. I figured it's better to start looking and saving now just in case, rather than scrambling later.

In addition, I've decided to move over to WordPress. I've been with Blogger a long time with The Smarter Princess and Unlucky Lucy and it makes me sad to say goodbye, but it's missing some features that WordPress can better provide me with.

So my horoscope was right I guess. Two big moves this month.

Please come visit at my new blog and change your feeds to http://unluckylucy.wordpress.com

Susan Miller tells it like it is.

I don’t often read my horoscope, but when I do feel the need I head straight to Astrology Zone. After talking to my boss about the general funk everybody’s been in lately she pondered that maybe it had to do with the positioning of the stars and planets.

“Is mercury in retrograde?” I asked. (It is, by the way.)

“Maybe,” she responded, “I really do believe in all of that.”

So I headed to my computer and looked up my horoscope for the month. Where most of the page focused on the full moon. TODAY.

“A key relationship may become crystallized at the full moon, April 28, or you may change your mind about moving ahead, which would be a decision in itself. You won't be able to put off a decision, but I don't think you will want to. Even so, it looks like whatever you decide now won't actually take effect until mid-to-late May (or even later), which would be ideal timing.

Full moons like the one that will come up April 28 are often emotional times, and it's possible that you may experience a flair-up. Try to keep the waters calm, realizing that if you are getting upset, there's a good chance your partner's emotions will escalate, too. If you do have a disagreement or sense pressure at the full moon, a housing situation could be the crux of the problem. If this happens, you'll need to find a quick solution, but fortunately, you can do so by being calm, respectful, and resourceful. Also, with Mercury retrograde, nothing will be written in stone, so if the solution you choose now proves to be not to your liking later, you can change things at that time. Be flexible.

This full moon might bring a decision to get engaged or married, or conversely, to get divorced. A full moon will always make things very clear and a full moon in a commitment house, as this one will be, will show you the direction the relationship has been taking for some time.”

Which would explain why Frog Prince and I had a very serious discussion last night about me moving out.

C’mon. Admit it’s eerily accurate.

Feelings

“I know you have feelings for him,” Frog Prince told me over dinner. “I just want you to admit it.”

I didn’t know what to say. Saying no feels like a lie, but saying yes isn’t quite accurate either.

I do know that if Frog and I weren’t together then I would certainly date T. After dinner and too much beer I wouldn’t have turned my head away from the too intimate gaze. I would have let him kiss me. And I think it would have been great in that oh my god – knees weak – can’t breathe kind of way.

But I am with Frog. And so the line isn’t crossed. Nor is it acknowledged.

But I want him in my life. I notice myself a little sadder as the days between our interactions grow longer. And I miss him.

How do you tell your boyfriend that you don’t have feelings when you constantly check your phone for another text; for a call; for some brief communication about poetry or music or love.

“Let’s have dinner and talk about life/love/music bliss,” he had written before I last saw him.

Lately it’s been nothing but silence.

It makes me miss him more.

Readers Beware: This Blog Apparently Causes Bulimia

Frog Prince and I are in a bit of a pickle right now. We’ve been having problems for awhile, but they’ve really come to a head in the last week.

The problem all began when he read my blog. AGAIN. You see, back in the day I had a blog that I loved. I wrote in it for years, made my little bloggy friends, and then had to abandon it when Frog Prince found it. (By going through my computer history nonetheless.) I cried and cried, but he promised to never do it again. Until he did. So I pulled myself together and created Unlucky Lucy. And I thought I was in the clear.

Recently I noticed a strange visitor in my stats. A visitor from “Hide my Ass” had been visiting every day for a week, multiple times a day even. I confronted him and after some prodding on my part he eventually admitted that he had searched through comments of blogs he knew I read until he found my new blog.

Bad, Frog. Bad! Again, I cried. And yelled. And slapped him. And pulled out a big wad of his arm hairs. (What? It’s my only defense!) He got teary (from both the arm hair yanking and the thought of making me sad) and promised to never look again. I told him that I could never trust him since I’ve certainly heard that line many times before. But at this point, I can’t do anything but take the chance and write here anyway. The thought of abandoning another blog just breaks my Unlucky heart.

Which brings us to what he read. He knew most of it. I’ve been pretty honest in letting him know my feelings and doubts. No surprise there. He even admitted that it made him feel better knowing that I wasn’t keeping anything from him.

What understandably bothered him was T. After reading Part One of the T story he went into his bathroom at work and vomited. He says he’s been vomiting a lot lately, full of anxiety about everything in his life. Especially me. I’d noticed he’d been getting thinner, but I assumed he was just being really good about his diet. Who knew that my big old football playing boyfriend developed bulimia this past month?

I explained my friendship with T again and told him how much I need this in my life right now. How I’m feeling smothered and I need to be able to spend time with people besides him. That sometimes I even like to be alone and that he doesn’t have to follow me from room to room. I’m an only child. I need space.

Yesterday things finally started to settle down. We were holding hands again, joking, meeting my mom for dinner. Then I made the mistake of responding to T’s text about some songs he wants to work on. And Frog Prince freaked. Big time. In the middle of my mom’s living room he had a full-on PMS-like woman temper tantrum. His eyes welled up, he began whining, and then yelling.

As my mom excused herself, I spoke to him sternly and quietly telling him “Man up right now. You’re embarrassing me and you’re embarrassing yourself. Stop being such a god damned pussy right now. It’s pathetic.” I’m really not a nice girl when it comes to men showing their emotions. It’s just not something I understand. Of course he only got more upset and sullen.

Later that night we talked about it. He explained that he needs to feel loved and I explained that I’m giving him everything I can give him. Aside from completely giving up my life, I am showing as much love as I possibly can. I hold his hand, I kiss him, I send him cute emails, I dote on him as much as possible and, I reminded him, “Are you really forgetting that just 4 days ago I spent all that time and money throwing you a weekend long party in New York with all your friends??”

It’s a shame, this place we’re in; A terrible circle of emotions. The more he needs me the more he whines and clings which in turn makes me feel smothered and pull further away, which makes him cling even more.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’ve given him everything I have and I need to reclaim part of myself. I just don’t know how to do that without killing a piece of him in the process.

The Less Abstract, More Typical Lucy Explanation

I want to explain my last post in a non-abstract poetic bullshit way.

In no way am I planning on leaving my boyfriend for some guy I hardly know. I’m not in love with this guy, or even crushing on him in a big way either. I think at this point I’m fully capable of having a strong emotional connection to someone in a friendly capacity.

I could easily feel this way about a woman, but this time he happens a man. I suppose that might get confusing, as feelings often do. There’s just something so honest, so deep about him that I feel the need to have him in my life. Maybe not permanently, maybe not for long at all, but at this point in my life I feel like he can offer me things that I need. Emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, musically; he’s teaching me and pushing me to expand myself. I want to be surrounded by that energy.

I don’t know where all of this soul, energy, aura stuff is coming from right now. Perhaps the yoga, or the need I’ve felt lately to find more meaning in my life, or maybe it’s just that I finished Eat, Pray, Love and am desperate to follow in her lead. Whatever it is, I’m beginning to feel a bit of the void being filled by what T gives me. I’m letting myself speak freely without my guarded sarcasm, feel without worry, and open up to my creativity.

Frog Prince can’t help with these aspects of myself. Which isn’t to say that he doesn’t help me in other ways. He’s teaching me patience, and to control my emotions. He taught me to be more relaxed, to sit still. He’s teaching me how to be responsible. At 23, he’s in many ways the adult I may never be. But still, he tries to teach me. They’re all lessons I need and he’s in my universe to provide those lessons to me. Along of course with love and kindness and all of those other great things.

What I’m trying to say, I guess, is that I think different people come into your life for different reasons at various times. And I’m really lucky to have people in my life right now that I know are bettering me.

Electric

I haven’t felt this way since Jeff. Jeff, that loving musician hippie that pulled me out of a bad relationship when I was only 20.

Our relationship was electric. Each touch, each smile electricity through my veins.

He was much older and had lived too much life for even a 26 year old. Drugs and lies and addictions that tore us apart. But I think of him often. Him and his laugh, all of that love he wasn’t afraid to show.

T is so much like him. This time there are no lies or drugs, just that huge heart and smile that I remember from Jeff. That electric aura that I get caught up in. The one that says “This man needs to be a part of your life. He can teach you things you never dreamed.”

We sing, we write, we read poetry and talk about God. He’s going to teach me to meditate, to be present and without stress. He calls me spunky.

He knows I have a boyfriend. Knows our friendship is only that, but I still smile hours after I see him, hoping he’s doing the same.

When he hugged me good-bye I sank into his arms thinking “There is so much good in his heart.” And I felt it radiate within me, electricity through my veins.

I hate yoga.

There, I said it. I hate yoga.


Every one of my friends swears by it. “You feel so energized after!” “It’s so spiritually enlightening!” “You’ll be so much stronger!”

Bull. Crap.

I tried it and failed. The teacher made me stay after class when I couldn’t correctly downward dog. “Straighten your back and align your chakras,” she told me. “Please speak English,” I responded as she pushed my back into unwelcome positions.

During the breathing time at the end I tried clearing my mind but could only think “Crap, I need to pee. I really should check my email. I wonder if J Crew is having a spring sale. Why is she talking about the forest?”

I left thinking that I least I got in a good workout to log into my fitness journal. I logged into SparkPeople, input my hour of yoga and looked at my daily totals. 150 calories burned??? WHAT? You mean I stood sideways on one foot turning bright red and wanting to scream just to break the meditative silence for a measly 150 calories??? Not my cup of tea friends. Not at all.

I’m going back tonight just to see if I’m missing out on something because seriously if anyone could use some spiritual enlightenment its me, but I’m not expecting much. Am I the only person in the world (besides Natalie Dee) who doesn’t understand what all the fuss is about?

Alone

All of the singles girls’ blogs that I used to read have turned into dating blogs. Or married blogs. Or happily ever after blogs.

I’m happy for each of them. Really. And I myself am in a committed relationship now so I can’t be hypocritical.

But every time I read a new post I can’t help but feeling abandoned. “How could you desert me like this? How could you change so much?” I think. Weren’t we those cynical girls who kept searching but never really thought we’d find love? And now you’ve gone off and found it. You’ve gone and grown up and I’m stuck here feeling nauseous at the thought of losing myself to another person.

I bawled as we packed up my apartment and moved everything to his house and into storage at my mom’s house. “This is the end!” I cried as he argued that wasn’t this actually the beginning? “No, it’s the end of my life as I know it. The best years of my life are gone and I’ll never be single again.” These probably aren’t the words you want to hear your girlfriend say on the day she moves in with you, but those are the words that were said and felt.

The girl with the wedding planning obsession gets sick when he mentions marriage. “I’m too young!” I cry out. “You’re almost 26,” he responds. I still feel like I’m in college. I can’t get married and have babies, I think. There’s too much to do with my life. Marriage sounds like a death sentence now.

I don’t know what the problem is. If it’s me or him or us or if I’m just plain not ready. But when you find the right person, aren’t you always ready?

Wild Women

“Lucy, someone’s hitting on your mom again!” –The Karaoke DJ

That pretty much sums up my past few evenings. I went out with my mom and her crazy meetup group on Monday and then somehow got roped into spending Tuesday out with them too. Oh, who am I kidding, they’re a crazy fun bunch of people. And while some of the people were more than a little shady, I came away with more stories that usual. Old people are silly.

Most of the people in her group are single and in their 40s-50s and Frog Prince and I call them the freshmen. They act just like teenagers: Running around taking pictures, drinking too much, flirting like crazy, and singing “I Will Survive” in giggly groups. And my mom is like their homecoming queen.

Within minutes of my arrival she had introduced me to 50 people and was running around with a cosmo in hand greeting everyone that walked into the bar. By the end of the night she knew every bartender and waiter in the place, and they definitely knew her.

“Lucy, your mom is adorably obnoxious,” the restaurant owner told me as my mom shoved him up onto the karaoke stage.

I still can't get past how happy she seems and how outgoing she is. Years ago, my mom would not have been out on a Monday night. Or any night for that matter. She was overweight, depressed, really self-conscious and shy. I’m so proud of my hot, happy mama now. I know she gets lonely sometimes, but seeing her out was great. And she was certainly the belle of the ball.

Frog Prince and I left around 10 with promises to return again the following night. Which we did and which I will tell you all about later. Let me just say, even though my mom is going out again tonight I need to recoup. I can’t keep up with those wild women!

I'm not that desperate

In an attempt to change careers, I’ve been applying to jobs left and right. I had my first job interview last week and it was the oddest interview I have ever had.

I’ve had quite a few jobs and I think I’m pretty good at the interview process, but this was the strangest experience. The more I thought about it afterward, the more I thought to myself “There is no way I can work for these people.”

It started off fine. It was a human resources representative and the woman I’ll be working for. He was doofy, she was old, they were both crazy.

They asked me the same questions twenty times, twenty different ways.

“What financial procedures are you currently responsible for?”
Well, I process payroll for the department, process all invoices, deposit any cash and checks, and do departmental transfers when necessary.

“What financial systems do you currently use at your job?”
We mostly use Oracle.

“Are you familiar with Oracle?”
Umm, yes. I use it to process payroll, invoices, and deposits.

“What do you use Oracle for?”
Umm… payroll, invoices and deposits mostly.

“Do you have anything to do with payroll?”
Wait, really?

This happened multiple times. She had prepared all of her questions in advance, but then couldn’t veer away from the straight line of questioning after I had already answered one.

Then she kept badgering me about questions. I would answer something and then she would either try to trip me up or just keep playing “bad cop” to make me flustered.

“Do you know what our office does?”
Yes, I think I have a pretty good idea.

“Who told you??”
Excuse me?

“Who told you what our office does?” (Not 'please explain what you think our office does,' but 'who told you?' As if it were some top secret project.)
Well, I did research before I applied….

“Oh. Very well then.”
Okay…

She then asked about my abilities in Excel.
I’d say I’m very proficient in Excel. I’ve taken multiple courses and use it often in my job to keep track of finances. I’ve created several worksheets to track our orders and finances and then provide totals and quarterly statements.

“And you created these?”
Yes.

“You, yourself?”
Yes.

“Say it.”
What?

“Say ‘I created these documents.”
Umm…I created them…

“Okay then.”

The weird thing is I think she liked me. I think that if I wanted the job, I could probably take it. But I ran out of there as fast as my heels would allow me.

I mean, yeah I’m miserable in my job. But the devil you know is sometimes better than the one you don’t.

Questions I wish I could ask him

Ex-Boyfriend sent me an email yesterday out of the blue.

He asked how I was doing and I sent back a short small-talk email. One that said basically that I was hibernating for the winter, that the dog was great, that I’m not doing a show right now…blah blah blah.

He immediately sent back an email updating me on his life and right then it was clear that the only reason he asked about me was so that he could tell me about himself.

“I got a new car!”

“I have a great new job!”

“My girlfriend is awesome and I hope it lasts forever!”

“She wants to move back to the west coast after school, but I don’t want to. Hopefully she’ll stay here!”

Excuse me, but what do you expect me to say to all that?

“Awesome, I’m so glad you have all your shit together when my life is clearly falling apart?”

Or do you need me to tell you that of course your sweet girlfriend will decide to stay here for you?

Or should I beg you not to go?

I mean, really.

What do you want from me?

And why can’t you just leave me alone at least until I figure out what the hell I want.

Is that so much to ask?

Love is dealing with my tantrums

I threw a temper tantrum last night.

A yelling, crying, clothes thrown on the floor, punching, kicking, whining tantrum.

I felt fat and angry and ugly and poor Frog Prince got the brunt of it.

“What should I wear tonight?” I asked him.

“I dunno…whatever…”

“Can I wear my J Crew cream v-neck with jeans?”

“Yeah, that sounds comfortable.”

“COMFORTABLE? COMFORTABLE? Oh my god, you think I’m fat! And ugly! Comfortable is not pretty! I’m so gross!!!!”

He was out of his chair and in my face faster than I’ve ever seen him move before. He gingerly stuck his arms out and tried grabbing me into a hug.

“What the hell are you doing?” I screamed.

He had read an article that sometimes when women freak out they just need to be hugged and told everything’s alright.

I pushed him away and stomped around for another twenty minutes trying on different options, discarding the rejects throughout the house, and screaming at my fat hips.

Eventually I felt better. In my J crew cream v-neck and boyfriend jeans no less.

He accepted my apology with no question and didn’t even give me a hard time about the craziness of it all.

He really does love me.

What does she have?

I hate Facebook and the stalker it has created out of me. While once upon a time exes and old friends disappeared from your life like a distant dream, they’re now a constant reminder. A constant threat to my sanity.

Ding! Facebook newsfeeds blast tidbits of my “friends” lives onto my computer screen when I swear, it was only my intention to check my event invites. Posts proclaiming how happy and in love everyone is. Hearts where new relationships have finally been made “official” through facebook. Pictures of his new girlfriend. She’s much prettier than the last and even though I’m happy now without him, I liked it much better when his girlfriend looked like a troll.

I can’t help myself from stalking my way through her photos. What does she have that I don’t? I wonder.

And then I realize it’s that she wants to be with him and I didn’t.

My Biggest Relationship Fears

At the end of the day, I suppose I can live without butterflies. I can live without the attraction I used to feel. I can live with you and me just sitting on the couch drinking wine and watching tv and talking about work, because the truth is I don’t get sick of that. I don’t get sick of you and I think that’s a very good sign. After all, butterflies and lust fade, but a whole relationship can be founded on friendship, can’t it?

What worries me is that past that easy, friendly façade, there isn’t much we have in common. I love books, you hate reading. I love music, you don’t understand it. Theater is my life, you find it dull. We simply don’t have things that we like to do together.

I miss shared interests. I miss doing things with my partner. What are we going to do when we can’t talk anymore? Sometimes I’m scared that we’ll get married and I’ll suffocate. That we’ll be in one of those solemn, wordless marriages where nobody’s happy; that we’ll divorce after years of misery. And I’m not sure which my biggest fear is: a loveless marriage, a failed marriage, or no marriage at all.

First things first: a little background.

Before I get into the nitty gritty, I’ll fill you in with a quick snapshot of my life these past few years.

In 2004, I was dating a boy. The boy I thought I was going to marry. But I was just a girl, and I didn’t want to be married yet, so I set out to find new boys to fill my life with experience and love and heartache. All of those magical little words that make movies and soundtracks. We broke up in 2006 and I began to date. When I say date, I don’t mean I went out with a couple of nice boys and called it quits. No, I threw myself into online dating, went out with lots of boys from bars and coffee shops, partied like a mad woman, and had myself a grand old time. I fell in love with love, and fell in love with a man that broke my heart into tiny pieces. Then I picked them up and started all over again.

It was exhausting.

Then I met a boy. A boy that I would never have dated had we met under normal circumstances, but got to know through working together. After being friends for a year, we kissed on my birthday and the rest is history. I had liked him for so long that I couldn’t imagine it not working out. When after only a month of dating I realized it wasn’t going how I had hoped, I fought even harder for it to work. I couldn’t bring myself to believe that I was wrong about us.

We moved in together. Got a puppy. Got couple friends and talked about marriage. When friends asked I would reply, “Things are fine. He’s no prince charming, but it’s fine. It’s a grown up version of love.”

I’m in a place where I don’t know if I should believe in things like butterflies and true love. I don’t know if I should give in and settle for this nice, stable guy or if I should hold out for something more. When it comes down to it, what’s more important: finding a nice man that you know will always be there for you or finding the man that makes your heart pitter patter? And why can’t that ever seem to coincide?

Unlucky Lucy

Once upon a time there was a girl who thought she was a princess. She left her old life behind for a life of excitement and romance, believing that she would find everything she thought she deserved.

She dated. She frolicked. She sang to chipmunks and birds and made cute dresses from curtains. She met a boy and fell in love, and they lived happily ever after.

Until she woke up one day in a cold sweat and realized Cinderella had just set her up in a pyramid scheme. The whole happily ever after fantasy was just that: a fantasy.

Meet Unlucky Lucy.

After turning my world upside down in a quest for true love, I’ve realized that maybe I’m not as happy as I should be. I’ve been with Frog Prince for nine months and wondering what comes after happily ever after? Now that the fairy dust has worn off, is there enough to keep us together?