Frog Prince and I are in a bit of a pickle right now. We’ve been having problems for awhile, but they’ve really come to a head in the last week.
The problem all began when he read my blog. AGAIN. You see, back in the day I had a blog that I loved. I wrote in it for years, made my little bloggy friends, and then had to abandon it when Frog Prince found it. (By going through my computer history nonetheless.) I cried and cried, but he promised to never do it again. Until he did. So I pulled myself together and created Unlucky Lucy. And I thought I was in the clear.
Recently I noticed a strange visitor in my stats. A visitor from “Hide my Ass” had been visiting every day for a week, multiple times a day even. I confronted him and after some prodding on my part he eventually admitted that he had searched through comments of blogs he knew I read until he found my new blog.
Bad, Frog. Bad! Again, I cried. And yelled. And slapped him. And pulled out a big wad of his arm hairs. (What? It’s my only defense!) He got teary (from both the arm hair yanking and the thought of making me sad) and promised to never look again. I told him that I could never trust him since I’ve certainly heard that line many times before. But at this point, I can’t do anything but take the chance and write here anyway. The thought of abandoning another blog just breaks my Unlucky heart.
Which brings us to what he read. He knew most of it. I’ve been pretty honest in letting him know my feelings and doubts. No surprise there. He even admitted that it made him feel better knowing that I wasn’t keeping anything from him.
What understandably bothered him was T. After reading Part One of the T story he went into his bathroom at work and vomited. He says he’s been vomiting a lot lately, full of anxiety about everything in his life. Especially me. I’d noticed he’d been getting thinner, but I assumed he was just being really good about his diet. Who knew that my big old football playing boyfriend developed bulimia this past month?
I explained my friendship with T again and told him how much I need this in my life right now. How I’m feeling smothered and I need to be able to spend time with people besides him. That sometimes I even like to be alone and that he doesn’t have to follow me from room to room. I’m an only child. I need space.
Yesterday things finally started to settle down. We were holding hands again, joking, meeting my mom for dinner. Then I made the mistake of responding to T’s text about some songs he wants to work on. And Frog Prince freaked. Big time. In the middle of my mom’s living room he had a full-on PMS-like woman temper tantrum. His eyes welled up, he began whining, and then yelling.
As my mom excused herself, I spoke to him sternly and quietly telling him “Man up right now. You’re embarrassing me and you’re embarrassing yourself. Stop being such a god damned pussy right now. It’s pathetic.” I’m really not a nice girl when it comes to men showing their emotions. It’s just not something I understand. Of course he only got more upset and sullen.
Later that night we talked about it. He explained that he needs to feel loved and I explained that I’m giving him everything I can give him. Aside from completely giving up my life, I am showing as much love as I possibly can. I hold his hand, I kiss him, I send him cute emails, I dote on him as much as possible and, I reminded him, “Are you really forgetting that just 4 days ago I spent all that time and money throwing you a weekend long party in
It’s a shame, this place we’re in; A terrible circle of emotions. The more he needs me the more he whines and clings which in turn makes me feel smothered and pull further away, which makes him cling even more.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’ve given him everything I have and I need to reclaim part of myself. I just don’t know how to do that without killing a piece of him in the process.
Wow, that is a terrible cycle to be in. I would say I can empathize, but I'm not sure what about. I certainly understand how you feel, in your shoes I'd feel smothered too (maybe because I'm an only child, or maybe because we don't expect men to be clingy). The more he needs you just puts more pressure on you, making you pull away, and making him feel more desperate to hold onto you (I believe searching for your blog is part of that).
ReplyDeleteIt must be hard for him to know you have a blog that you won't let him read, curiousity could get the best of anyone. But he sounds like he is really insecure. If what you're able to give him isn't enough, what are you going to do?