Questions I wish I could ask him

Ex-Boyfriend sent me an email yesterday out of the blue.

He asked how I was doing and I sent back a short small-talk email. One that said basically that I was hibernating for the winter, that the dog was great, that I’m not doing a show right now…blah blah blah.

He immediately sent back an email updating me on his life and right then it was clear that the only reason he asked about me was so that he could tell me about himself.

“I got a new car!”

“I have a great new job!”

“My girlfriend is awesome and I hope it lasts forever!”

“She wants to move back to the west coast after school, but I don’t want to. Hopefully she’ll stay here!”

Excuse me, but what do you expect me to say to all that?

“Awesome, I’m so glad you have all your shit together when my life is clearly falling apart?”

Or do you need me to tell you that of course your sweet girlfriend will decide to stay here for you?

Or should I beg you not to go?

I mean, really.

What do you want from me?

And why can’t you just leave me alone at least until I figure out what the hell I want.

Is that so much to ask?

Love is dealing with my tantrums

I threw a temper tantrum last night.

A yelling, crying, clothes thrown on the floor, punching, kicking, whining tantrum.

I felt fat and angry and ugly and poor Frog Prince got the brunt of it.

“What should I wear tonight?” I asked him.

“I dunno…whatever…”

“Can I wear my J Crew cream v-neck with jeans?”

“Yeah, that sounds comfortable.”

“COMFORTABLE? COMFORTABLE? Oh my god, you think I’m fat! And ugly! Comfortable is not pretty! I’m so gross!!!!”

He was out of his chair and in my face faster than I’ve ever seen him move before. He gingerly stuck his arms out and tried grabbing me into a hug.

“What the hell are you doing?” I screamed.

He had read an article that sometimes when women freak out they just need to be hugged and told everything’s alright.

I pushed him away and stomped around for another twenty minutes trying on different options, discarding the rejects throughout the house, and screaming at my fat hips.

Eventually I felt better. In my J crew cream v-neck and boyfriend jeans no less.

He accepted my apology with no question and didn’t even give me a hard time about the craziness of it all.

He really does love me.

What does she have?

I hate Facebook and the stalker it has created out of me. While once upon a time exes and old friends disappeared from your life like a distant dream, they’re now a constant reminder. A constant threat to my sanity.

Ding! Facebook newsfeeds blast tidbits of my “friends” lives onto my computer screen when I swear, it was only my intention to check my event invites. Posts proclaiming how happy and in love everyone is. Hearts where new relationships have finally been made “official” through facebook. Pictures of his new girlfriend. She’s much prettier than the last and even though I’m happy now without him, I liked it much better when his girlfriend looked like a troll.

I can’t help myself from stalking my way through her photos. What does she have that I don’t? I wonder.

And then I realize it’s that she wants to be with him and I didn’t.

My Biggest Relationship Fears

At the end of the day, I suppose I can live without butterflies. I can live without the attraction I used to feel. I can live with you and me just sitting on the couch drinking wine and watching tv and talking about work, because the truth is I don’t get sick of that. I don’t get sick of you and I think that’s a very good sign. After all, butterflies and lust fade, but a whole relationship can be founded on friendship, can’t it?

What worries me is that past that easy, friendly façade, there isn’t much we have in common. I love books, you hate reading. I love music, you don’t understand it. Theater is my life, you find it dull. We simply don’t have things that we like to do together.

I miss shared interests. I miss doing things with my partner. What are we going to do when we can’t talk anymore? Sometimes I’m scared that we’ll get married and I’ll suffocate. That we’ll be in one of those solemn, wordless marriages where nobody’s happy; that we’ll divorce after years of misery. And I’m not sure which my biggest fear is: a loveless marriage, a failed marriage, or no marriage at all.

First things first: a little background.

Before I get into the nitty gritty, I’ll fill you in with a quick snapshot of my life these past few years.

In 2004, I was dating a boy. The boy I thought I was going to marry. But I was just a girl, and I didn’t want to be married yet, so I set out to find new boys to fill my life with experience and love and heartache. All of those magical little words that make movies and soundtracks. We broke up in 2006 and I began to date. When I say date, I don’t mean I went out with a couple of nice boys and called it quits. No, I threw myself into online dating, went out with lots of boys from bars and coffee shops, partied like a mad woman, and had myself a grand old time. I fell in love with love, and fell in love with a man that broke my heart into tiny pieces. Then I picked them up and started all over again.

It was exhausting.

Then I met a boy. A boy that I would never have dated had we met under normal circumstances, but got to know through working together. After being friends for a year, we kissed on my birthday and the rest is history. I had liked him for so long that I couldn’t imagine it not working out. When after only a month of dating I realized it wasn’t going how I had hoped, I fought even harder for it to work. I couldn’t bring myself to believe that I was wrong about us.

We moved in together. Got a puppy. Got couple friends and talked about marriage. When friends asked I would reply, “Things are fine. He’s no prince charming, but it’s fine. It’s a grown up version of love.”

I’m in a place where I don’t know if I should believe in things like butterflies and true love. I don’t know if I should give in and settle for this nice, stable guy or if I should hold out for something more. When it comes down to it, what’s more important: finding a nice man that you know will always be there for you or finding the man that makes your heart pitter patter? And why can’t that ever seem to coincide?

Unlucky Lucy

Once upon a time there was a girl who thought she was a princess. She left her old life behind for a life of excitement and romance, believing that she would find everything she thought she deserved.

She dated. She frolicked. She sang to chipmunks and birds and made cute dresses from curtains. She met a boy and fell in love, and they lived happily ever after.

Until she woke up one day in a cold sweat and realized Cinderella had just set her up in a pyramid scheme. The whole happily ever after fantasy was just that: a fantasy.

Meet Unlucky Lucy.

After turning my world upside down in a quest for true love, I’ve realized that maybe I’m not as happy as I should be. I’ve been with Frog Prince for nine months and wondering what comes after happily ever after? Now that the fairy dust has worn off, is there enough to keep us together?